When Life Imitates Dream Team: the Barton edition

It’s the summer, transfer season in the English Premiership.  Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton is looking at a relatively novel loan – six months in the penal league:

England international footballer Joey Barton was jailed for six months yesterday for a “violent and cowardly attack” outside a branch of McDonald’s after he became embroiled in a street fight at the end of a drunken night out in Liverpool.

The Premier League player, who signed for Newcastle in a £5.8m deal from Manchester City last summer, had drunk 10 pints of lager and five more bottles of lager before launching a sustained attack on a stranger and punching a 16-year-old boy in the face.

Now 15 (!) beers might be enough to make anyone stupid, if they’re able to be upright.  But Barton has a long history of thuggish behavior:

The incident took place as the player was awaiting trial for two other offences, which he denies; alleged assault and criminal damage of a taxi - for which he will appear before Liverpool magistrates on May 30 - and the alleged assault of a former Manchester City teammate, Ousmane Dabo, 31, to be heard in Manchester next month.

But wait, there’s more!  Courtesy of Wikipedia:

Although he signed a new contract on 22 September 2004, which would keep him at City until 2007, the club considered sacking Barton in December 2004 after an incident at their Christmas party. He stubbed out a lit cigar in youth player Jamie Tandy’s eye, after he had caught Tandy attempting to set fire to his shirt.  Barton subsequently apologised for his actions and was fined six weeks’ wages (£60,000).

The following summer, Barton was sent home from a pre-season tournament in Thailand after assaulting a 15-year-old Everton supporter who had provoked Barton by verbally abusing him and kicking his shin.Barton had to be restrained from attacking the boy further by teammate Richard Dunne.  Barton underwent anger management therapy at the order of City manager Stuart Pearce and paid £120,000 in club fines. 

While I find it puzzling that so many people appear to want provoke an obvious psycho — seriously, attempting to set his jersey on fire? — it seems there’s ample evidence that Barton is a bad, bad boy.  Just the kind who you’d expect to turn up at Harchester United.  Though I’d imagine that they’d upscale the details of his brawl.  A McDonald’s?  Really, Joey, the Arches?  Make that a high-end nightclub…and then have him score a crucial goal when he returns from jail.

A half-time gas

This is exactly like something that would happen to Harchester United…

Brazilian champions Sao Paulo were forced to flee their dressing-room at halftime after it filled with an unidentified spray during their match away to Palmeiras on Sunday.

They were playing the second leg of the semi-finals of their regional tournament against rivals Palmeiras.   Perhaps it’s not a surprise that Palmeiras won the game 2-0 for a 3-2 victory on aggregate.  Or that this happened:

Flamboyant Chilean Jorge Valdivia finished off a breakaway for the second in the 84th minute and appeared to provoke Sao Paulo’s defenders as he celebrated.

Almost immediately, the lights went out and there was a scuffle in midfield as Sao Paulo players remonstrated with Valdivia.

Yeah, that could happen to Harchester.  As well as this follow-up:

Sao Paulo coach Muricy Ramalho has rubbished suggestions that his own club was behind an incident on Sunday, when their changing room filled with a mysterious spray at halftime in a derby match at Palmeiras.

Well, all I can say is that I wouldn’t want to be on the Palmeiras team that next visits Sao Paulo…

Gerrard and the gangsters

Another edition of “Life Imitates Dream Team” …

This time the star is the otherwise fairly straight-shooting Steven Gerrard of Liverpool.  Liverpool, you see, is a town filled with rough elements, and when they do you a favor then, as we all know from the movies, you owe them.

When the name of the character witness was read out to the sleepy jury at Lincoln Crown Court this week, even the doziest of their number sprang to rapt attention.

Steven George Gerrard MBE - captain of Liverpool Football Club, occasional captain of England and role model to millions of impressionable youngsters - wished it to be known that he had “the utmost respect” for the man who stood in the dock.

Never mind that the defendant, John Kinsella, was a known gangster charged with tying up a security guard during a £41,000 robbery.

Wonder why Gerrard aborted that move to Chelsea a few years back?  The answer may be here:

With a big wage increase in the offing, he even text-messaged then Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho to say he was looking forward to working with him.

Days later, all that changed. Gerrard told a stunned press conference that he had changed his mind and would be staying in Liverpool.

Officially he was happy - but his ashen face and monosyllabic speech told a different story.

The truth, insiders say, is that on the eve of his transfer, Steven had a visit from his father.

Paul Gerrard, who had previously been supportive of his move to the capital, had a stark message for him: you can’t go.

“If you were to leave this city and this football club,” he said, “our lives would become intolerable.”

Steven, sources say, buckled under the pressure.

The precise reasons why this remarkable U-turn came about remain shrouded in mystery.

However, it is known that, at the time, a number of leading gangland figures in Liverpool were determined that their football club’s prize asset should not be lost to the city - at any cost.

Just the kind of story you so often see here in the US with our NBA stars — even the clean ones can find it hard to escape the tougher elements from the ‘hood.

When Life Really Imitates “Dream Team”

Courtesy of Pitch Invasion, why not just rename your team Harchester United?

 The man bidding to buy Mansfield Town wants to take this a step further and rename the club “Harchester United”, the fictional name of the team in Sky Television’s soccer soap opera, Dream Team.

I suppose it might be better than being named for a kids team in a Disney film…

When Life Imitates Dream Team, part 4

As if Derby County weren’t in enough trouble, as they threaten to set a record for fewest points in an EPL season, their coach has been caught indulging in some hanky-panky… 

During the film, dad-of-two Jewell – wed for 21 years – ties a mystery woman in stockings to a bed with silk before they have sex.

In another clip the Rams chief and his lover – who is in her 30s and wearing a wedding ring – romp on the boot of his Mercedes.

Just like Harchester…

When Life Imitates “Dream Team,” pt. 3

Apparently, Didier Drogba really wants his replica to be the most popular among Chelsea fans.  So much so that he’s taken to buying them himself to make the sales stats look better:

The £24 million striker, who was named Premier League top goal scorer for 2006-2007, has had less success in shirt sales compared to John Terry and Frank Lampard who reportedly taunt him about it on the training ground.

One Chelsea insider claimed Drogba visits the club shop up to 10 times a week and on one occasion walked out of the store with 40 shirts priced at approximately £45 each, setting him back £1,800.

The first-team regular could easily get shirts free of charge but the £70,000-a-week centre forward is paying like any other customer to improve his shirt sale statistics.

Maybe A-Rod should try the same thing with Yankees gear…

When Life Imitates Dream Team, continued…

The ever-readable Sid Lowe of the Guardian brings us an update on Levante, Valencia’s second team:

If Valencia’s tubby tache-wearing owner Juan Bautista Soler is dumb, Levante owner Pedro Villarroel is dumber. Sackings, signings and shifty shenanigans, anything Soler can do, Villarroel can do better: from the nine coaches in seven years, to almost 30 signings in two seasons; from the huge debt to the disillusioned fans at a ground with the third-worst attendance record in primera; from allegations of secret pay-offs securing survival to the “charitable foundation” siphoning off cash; from the players sprinting for the door to the medical staff joining them; from the jumped-up threats to the desperate results, Villarroel has been the perfect president. For someone else’s team.

And:

 It got worse when star signing Shota Arveladze got injured using the club’s makeshift gym, comprising of a couple of weights slung across a pair of chairs, and never played again, spiralling headlong into depression. It got even worse when the club ignored the coach and signed seven players over 30; when Savio is so past it his manager describes him as a “dead man walking”…

Now we just need a good sex scandal and we’re in Harchester United territory….

When Life Imitates “Dream Team” continued…

Although if this happened on the show, the accused would be one of the starters, not a young scrub…

From the Guardian:

Footballer bailed in rape inquiry

Sarah Bridge and agencies
Wednesday December 19, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

A Manchester United player was released on bail today after being arrested in connection with an alleged rape at a hotel where the club was holding its Christmas party. Jonny Evans, a 19-year-old defender, presented himself for questioning last night and was held overnight at a police station in Manchester. Evans, who joined United in July 2004, was being questioned again today and was believed to have fully cooperated with police.

The arrest came after a 26-year-old woman alleged she had been raped at the Great John Street hotel in Manchester in the early hours of Tuesday.

A spokeswoman for Greater Manchester police said: “A 19-year-old man has been bailed until 23 February. Further inquiries will take place.”

United had booked the entire 30-room hotel for the party, which was attended by 150 guests. The hotel, a converted Victorian schoolhouse, has a rooftop hot tub and suites which cost as much as £395 a night.

The party began at 2pm on Monday when the players travelled by coach from their Carrington training complex to the 235 casino in the city centre. The entertainment then continued at the hotel, with lunch and a show by drag queens and burlesque dancers.

During the evening the party moved on to the Old Grapes pub, part-owned by the Coronation Street actress Liz Dawn, and the players were heard chanting football songs before leaving at 9.30pm.

Some of the players also briefly went to a strip club in town while the rest of the party continued drinking at the hotel.

The party is understood to have gone ahead with the reluctant approval of the United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, who had warned the players to be on their best behaviour after problems in recent years.

Last year, the club’s Christmas party was held at the same hotel, where glasses were smashed and the floor damaged at a cost of £41,000.

Evans, who was born in Belfast but went to school in Sale, has made three appearances for United, most recently during last week’s Champions League game against Roma.

He made his international debut for Northern Ireland in the 3-2 victory over Spain in September last year.

When Life Imitates “Dream Team”…

For years the Fox Soccer Channel has been airing re-runs of the British soap opera “Dream Team,” about the goings-on at a mythical EPL team, Harchester United.  They neatly doctor actual EPL footage for the game sequences so nearly episode contains dramatic goals and saves.  What’s much more dramatic are the events off the pitch, a relentless string of affairs, blackmail, boardroom coups all conducted by some very pretty people.  I watched a couple of seasons before they got rid of too many characters I liked.  My wife, M., continues to TIVO it.  As a result, I’ve gotten in the habit of pointing out instances where real life sounds like an episode of “Dream Team.”  Our first installment here takes us to Italy, courtesy of Goal.com:

Cagliari’s Marchini: Foggia Had Me Attacked Me In A Bar

According to the Gazzetta dello Sport, Pasquale Foggia’s time at Cagliari is not all that it seems. Indeed, Davide Marchini claims that the on-loan star has had him attacked…

Davide Marchini and Pasquale Foggia were embroiled in a training-ground feud back in October, but their troubles did not end there.  For Marchini’s lawyer, Piero Olla, has claimed that the Cagliari pair have since been involved in a further controversy, one that saw Foggia allegedly order an attack on his teammate.

The lawyer told Gazzetta dello Sport, “Marchini and Foggia’s troubles started with a training ground incident on October 24.  The two exchanged insults, with Foggia saying, ‘Let’s see what happens on Monday.’”

“The following Monday, October 29, Marchini was at Caffè Agorà in Cagliari with striker Robert Acquafresca. Foggia came in and asked to sit at their table.

“Marchini refused, so Foggia left. But in came a name with a thick Neapolitan accent, who sat down next to Marchini.

“He asked why Marchini had fought with Foggia in training. Marchini got up to leave, but then the man punched him in the nose.

“Marchini tried to escape, only to be chased by his assailant, who was at this time wielding a chair.

“Marchini escaped, and the man threw the chair at a parked car as Foggia and Acquafresca stood outside.”

How much of this is true remains to be seen, but in light of such shocking revelations, the Sardinian club must surely investigate further.